*Deb's Visitor

Several times during the weekend I sat at the computer to write in the blog but anxiety had other plans for me. I was also a bit reluctant to bring up the subject (Katie) because it was great hearing about everyone else's life. OK...I know NOT talking about her isn't the answer to the problem but it just depends on how I feel at the time. If I feel like talking about her I usually bring it up, if I don't, I won't mention her name. Brandi and I discuss this topic almost daily anyway. We are so close to the situation that together we can talk to each other any time! Keith prefers to keep quiet about her for the most part.
Many people have told me I am not responsible for what my adult children do or have done. I agree but at the same time...How can a parent NOT take some of the responsibilty/ blame? Maybe those are not the correct words but they are the best I can come up with right now. I have been so torn over the past 7 years about what to feel, how to feel...what is the right way to feel? Sometimes I feel like screaming "Leave me alone" and other times I just want to run away. Sometimes I hate my own child and other times I want to take her in my arms and tell her it will be OK. I want to re-do some of the past but I am realistic enough to know that is not possible. I don't dwell on it coz if I did you all would be visiting me in the nearest mental institution. Anyway, most of the time I don't know how I feel. I sat down to blog during the weekend but couldn't get more than 4 words typed and had to quit.(I know, I said that already) Anxiety had come to visit me again. Anxiety should be one of those 4-letter words that are usually typed like this #@*&!. I cannot concentrate on anything or complete a task. This is not the normal me! I am so thankful winter is over...its always the worst because I am more cooped up inside. I can't garden or work in the yard. The weeds don't stand a chance with me when anxiety comes to visit. I want and need physical activity...its the only thing that seems to help. Anxiety stayed all day Saturday and Sunday...it was too long of a visit as far as I am concerned. I prefer having welcome guests at my house.
Dave mentioned his Elm tree problem and I have the same exact problem with those darn trees. The next time anxiety stops in for a visit those dang trees will want to pull up their roots and run!